A Child’s View

I received this in an email and had to share it, read if you would
like a little laughter in your life.

Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
Judas Asparagus!!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children
understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,
‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t
been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they
were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were
driven in, though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and
put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people
to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named
Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and
away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave
them His Top Ten Commandments.  These include: don’t lie,
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.  Oh, yeah,
I just thought of one more:  Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the
fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got
to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.

He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t
sound very wise to me.  After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is
the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always
saying to me, ‘Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?’
It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they
named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and
all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  The Pilot
didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.’

Whether a child wrote it or not, the right concept is there.  If you
don’t obey God you will be driven out, whether you have a car or
not.  Also Jesus will be returning!

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